As previously established I was not the most socially graceful youth, for my 19th birthday my friends decided to take it upon themselves to throw me a surprise birthday party. The main conspirators behind this project were H- and Hawk, and the unwitting party goers ended up myself and A-, another friend of ours. This affair was pitched to A- and I as “Yeah we’ll just go up the Spaghetti Factory in Portland it’s a nice restaurant, our treat”. Sure, what college student doesn’t like free food.

Dinner ran as advertised, and was a generally good nerdy time, D&D and Star Wars were discussed, desert was had. Definitely a good use of a Saturday afternoon. We packed up and started driving back south to school, but then soon diverted off the high way, this was unexpected. Less than a minute later we were pulling in to the parking lot of a squat shady looking building. “Uh hey guys what’s going on here?” I asked, Hawk turned around from the drivers seat and explained “Well we decided that the two of you were just too sheltered despite H-‘s best efforts, so we had to take more direct measures. That’s a strip club and you two are going to see some tits today. You did bring your ID, right?”. That was an unexpected turn of events.

We got inside and oh was I overwhelmed and awkward, where do I look? I mean they’re professionals, so it would be rude to look away right? But also oh gods I am so out of my depth here. “Thankfully(?)” our conspiring leaders dragged us up and got us seats right in front of the stage. Hawk then pulled out an envelope of cash and grabbed a handful out and gave it to me “We didn’t warn you to get cash, and it’s your birthday, so here have a good time”, he turned to A- and gave him a smaller pile of bills “Sorry man we didn’t warn you either, didn’t want you to warn Izzy or bail, I think I saw an ATM by the door”.

A bit later the performer on stage was working really hard to get H-‘s attention, but he was looking at lighting and generally not paying attention. Finally Hawk tapped him on the shoulder and said hey I think she’s trying to get your attention. He turned and faced her, she gave her private dance pitch again, H- declined, she looked a bit confused, after a moment H- turned and flopped his wrist in the most stereotypically gay way possible and said “Oh no honey, it’s not you, it’s me, you’re doing great” A second later a look of recognition washed over her face, she hopped of stage and grabbed H- by the hand and said “Oh! come with me I think I’ve got something more your style”, and together they went trooping off back stage.

A few minutes later H- came back with the saddest look I’d ever seen on his face, and reported “She offered me a pair of clear plastic 6 inch platform heels, they didn’t fit”.

That was my first and last time in a strip club, but not that last time I got dragged on a weird odyssey orchestrated by Hawk for my birthday.

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Filed under: Auto-biographical - @ 2023-02-08 23:26

Tags: FridayNightStoryTime